The Music Conclave (4/6/05)

As the world mourns Pope John Paul II and the Catholic Church approaches the process of selecting a new Pope, word has been spreading through the music community of rock star Neil Young's brain aneurysm. This near-tragedy has pointed out to the music world that they too should have a plan in place for the loss of their leaders. "Selection of the Pope by conclave dates all the way back to 1271, " says one music executive, who requested anonymity. "It's now 2005 and we don't even have a plan?!" This widespread concern led to bicoastal meetings today to determine whether a plan was ever put in place. Just hours after discovering the potential of the internet for music marketing, the music executives learned that a Music Conclave Plan does exist. It turns out that years after inventing the term “rock and roll” in 1952, music radio DJ Alan Freed drafted a plan by which the successors to the music elite could be named. Thanks to extensive nationwide searches today, that plan was just discovered by prosecutors in the Michael Jackson trial. The plan was stuck to a page of the porn magazine Finally Legal, found in Jackson’s home and entered into evidence in Jackson’s child molestation trial. It is unknown how the conclave plan wound up in the self-proclaimed King of Pop’s possession, but the judge released the plan to the music executives.

Before his passing away in 1965, Freed specifically stated in the Music Conclave Plan that Bob Dylan is the first artist for whom a conclave must be held. Despite his good health and creative rebirth in the past 8 years, rock and folk legend Bob Dylan is now 63 years old. Should Bob Dylan pass, the music elite will need to name a new Dylan. Although music critics have granted the title of The New Dylan to over 1,200 singer-songwriters since 1964, there can be no official New Dylan until the passing of Bob Dylan and the official naming via conclave. Bob Dylan has served as Bob Dylan since 1959, when he began performing in the Minnesota folk circuit and changed his name from Robert Zimmerman. Zimmerman followed a long standing music tradition by selecting his own name. Before him, names had been selected like Little Richard and Buddy Holly. Zimmerman selected the name Dylan after combining the inspiration of Welsh poet Dylan Thomas with the sound of his own middle name, Allen.

The conclave must begin no fewer than 15 and no more than 20 days after Dylan's death. Any singer-songwriter in good standing may be elected. It is not necessary to be a folk singer or guitar player to ascend to the position of the new Dylan. To begin the conclave process, 117 of the music elite will gather in Cleveland, Ohio, home of the birth of the term "rock and roll". Before gathering in Cleveland, each member of the music elite must first be approved by Jann Wenner, Ahmet Ertegun and CEO of Starbucks Coffee, Orin Smith. Almost all of the 117 music elite eligible to vote in this conclave will have rubbed shoulders with Bob Dylan. Despite sharing the stage and recording "We Are the World" with Dylan, USA For Africa members Cyndi Lauper and Journey’s Steve Perry will not be eligible, according to a press release from Starbucks. In keeping with the roots of rock music, the elite will seclude themselves in the private office of Hugo’s Used Chevrolet car lot in downtown Cleveland. Once inside, an Organizational Committee will be responsible for overseeing that all proper procedures are followed. Although the names on that committee have not been publicly revealed, all speculation points to Keith Richards, David Crosby, Ozzy Osbourne, Eddie Van Halen and the Grateful Dead’s Bob Weir, along with their translators. Each of the 117 music elite will be seated in his own beanbag chair with 1 black Sharpie and several ballots on thick, glossy paper in the shape of a woman’s ass. Disguising his handwriting, each writes his choice on the ballot and folds it twice. Each then holds his ballot so it can be seen and walks to the front of the office. The ballot is placed on a golden plate, then slid into a ballot chalice. Each bows and then returns to his beanbag chair. Ballots are counted at a table at the front of the office. Names are read aloud. A needle and thread are used to join the ballots and they are placed aside. Votes are totaled. To elect a new Dylan, a 2/3 majority plus 1 must be reached. Voting will be repeated twice each morning and afternoon for 2 days until that is achieved. No conclave is to last over 4 days. Materials will be provided to help the music elite stay awake through the conclave process. After each vote, ballots are burned in a giant party bowl by honorary music elite member Tommy Chong. The public will know that a new Dylan has been selected when thick clouds of smoke and the smell of burning rope cease to seep through the windows and under the doors of the Used Chevrolet Office.

There are several possibilities for the new Dylan. Many unnamed members of the music elite have suggested that Dylan's own son, Jakob Dylan, is in the running. So is world savior and one time co-writer Bono Vox. Bruce Springsteen will be considered as will the now-24-year-old Connor Oberst of Bright Eyes. According to one music executive, "despite interest in the African region, the world is definitely not ready for a black Dylan". Whomever is selected has a lot to live up to. This was a Dylan who was the first to go electric. He was also the first Dylan to appear in a Victoria’s Secret TV ad. It is also the first time a Dylan has written his autobiography. He has truly paved a fresh path for the new Dylans who will follow.

Upon his selection, the new Dylan will be escorted to the nearest Starbucks, where his status will be announced and he will perform his first song as the new Dylan, an acoustic version of "Forever Young". With the odds of this conclave not being necessary for 20 years, the music elite have plenty of time to keep their eyes out for the next Dylan. In the meantime, they can mourn the loss of the Pope and read about the rich, untalented children of Bob Dylan's contemporaries in the latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine.