My Michael Jackson Experience (6/13/05)

Well, today Michael Jackson was set free to do what he does best....which is WHAT exactly? I was a huge fan as a kid...and the Victory Tour promoting both the Jackson 5 reunion album of the same name and Michael's album "Thriller" was one of my first concerts. It was also one of my most memorable, due to the huge spectacle at Comiskey Park. I'll never forget seeing tons of green lasers shooting into the sky as Michael sang "Human Nature". The thousands of teenage girls from the inner city surrounding me were screaming, crying and literally fainting. There was no bigger star than Michael Jackson at that time. But since the 90s started, it has been one sad, downward spiral.

A few years back, I got my own, personal up-close look at Michael and his family. In 1997, the year the Jackson 5 were inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, I volunteered to work at the Induction Ceremony at a nice hotel in Cleveland, Ohio. Working on the artist relations team, it was my job during the afternoon to grab artists from their hotel rooms and bring them down to the ballroom for a soundcheck. Then, that night, during the dinner-ceremony, it was my job to take the artists from their dining tables and bring them backstage in time for their induction. The show had a tight schedule to keep things moving along for the live audience that packed the ballroom and to flow smoothly for the VH1 taping. I was assigned to deal with Crosby Stills and Nash, P-Funk, the Bee Gees and the son of Bill Monroe. This involved running through a crowd that included Brian Wilson, Tom Petty, Shawn Colvin, Diana Ross, Prince, James Taylor and Emmylou Harris.

During the day when one of my artists was soundchecking for the evening performance, an uptight publicist-type with an ultra-anal personality approached me due to the laminate pass I was wearing around my neck. He asked me, "Do you work here?" I said, "Yes". He said, "I'm hoping you can help me because we have a HUGE problem here." I knew right away that I couldn't help this guy because he had nothing to do with my artists and I knew the question would therefore be off my turf and over my head. I was thinking I should say, "Wow, I really should refer you to someone else." However, a part of me wanted to be helpful and the other part of me was really curious to see where this would go. After all, what could be such a HUGE problem at a music awards event that wasn't being televised live? "So what is this HUGE problem," I asked. "Well I represent the Jackson family. And as you know, the Jackson 5 are being inducted tonight." Did he think I was stupid? "Yes, I'm aware of that," I said. "Well we REALLY need to rearrange the tables," he explained. Picture a giant hotel ballroom with round tables like you would find at a wedding. On one end of the room is a giant stage for the event and then the rest of the room is filled with round tables of 10. "What's wrong with the tables," I asked. "Well the Jacksons are sitting at that table there near the middle of the room. And The Artist (that was Prince's name in those days), who is ONLY PRESENTING an award, not GETTING one, is sitting at a table much closer to the stage." I glanced at the tables this dude was talking about - they were so close to each other that I couldn't believe he was serious. This was like two junior high girls at a Bar Mitzvah fighting over who gets to sit closer to the Bar Mitzvah boy. If this was a concert, it would be like Prince had 3rd row seats where he'd have to crick his neck up, and the Jacksons had 8th row seats in the center. Not only was this "HUGE problem" ridiculous, but it then dawned on me that I was now stuck in the middle of a fight between the Jackson 5 and Prince!! If you had told me in high school (when those 2 camps made up 50% of the music I was listening to) that I would one day be dealing with this situation, I would have shit in my pants. This was just too entertaining. I had to come up with a solution....and fast. I instantly concluded that these people were so full of shit that I had to give a response that was EQUALLY full of shit. I reached deep inside and pulled out a gem. "Oh - please understand - we purposely arranged the seats this way for the comfort of the Jackson family." "How so," he asked. "Well, you know how the paparazzi are always hounding Michael. We wanted to be sure that he had as much space from the photographers and press as possible. So we decided that rather than putting him so close to the stage where Prince is sitting, that we would put him in the middle of the ballroom where he would be surrounded by too many tables for the photographers to hound him. We felt this would be MUCH more comfortable for the entire Jackson family - and as inductees this evening, we wanted to put their comfort TOP on our list." Holding back laughter, I'm thinking, "Is this goof gonna buy what I just dished out?" He thinks for a second, and then extends his hand to mine and says, "Thank you. Michael thanks you and the entire Jackson family thanks you. Will you please explain this to Jermaine and Tito?" What what WHAT!?!? My eyes almost popped out of my head! He wants ME to explain this bullshit to Jermaine and Tito!? Two of the artists who played a big role in one of my favorite teenage concerts? Two members of the Jackson 5?!?! I gulped down some stress and said, "Sure - absolutely."

Within 2 seconds, Jermaine and Tito Jackson were in my face, waiting for my explanation. As I was giving my rap to Jermaine and Tito, all I could hear in my head was the old joke from the Jackson's 1980s Pepsi commercial that lit Michael's hair on fire. "Tito - Tito - I need a tissue! Tito - I need a tissue!" I was trying my hardest to block this out and not crack up as I shared my seating chart explanation with the Jackson family. Jermaine and Tito were as nice as could be, each shook my hand and thanked me profusely. Talk about Victory! Later, during the event itself, Michael wound up not leaving his hotel room. In fact, we couldn't get him to come down for his induction. Diana Ross was ready to go and so were the Jacksons...but Michael was upstairs. We were told it was a security issue. Security issue?! We were in a secure, nice hotel filled with lots of other major rock stars! Production staff were cracking jokes into our walkie talkie headsets, saying that Michael was probably having sex in his room with Bubbles the Chimp. Anyway, Michael finally came down through some random side entrance and was inducted with his brothers. He didn't want to perform, so they were the only present inductees who didn't.

I had to run to the bathroom before the next act. To get to the bathroom, I had to walk past the Jackson family as they took their official Hall of Fame photo. I was literally standing next to the photographer, 5 feet from the Jackson 5. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Here were 4 good looking black men in tuxedoes standing with a guy in a sailor suit who had the whitest skin on the planet! I have NEVER seen someone so white. I stood there stunned, just absorbing the bizarre scene. Michael did NOT fit in to this picture! And it wasn't just the contrast of the sailor suit with the tuxes! Michael seriously looked like part reconstructed burn victim and part mannequin...It was one of the oddest things I've ever seen in my life. This experience only ADDED to many in a night that stands out as one of my most memorable. THAT is my Michael Jackson Experience.

[If you like Michael Jackson stories, then be sure to check out the Michael Jackson chapter in Howard Stern's book, MISS AMERICA. His story towers above this one - I have never laughed as hard as the time I read that chapter on an airplane.]