Snowflake (9/24/03)

By now you've probably heard the sad news that Snowflake, the world's "extremely rare" albino gorilla, is dying of skin cancer at the Barcelona Zoo in Spain. Snowflake and I have a relationship that dates way back. In the early-mid-70s, when I was a little kid, my Aunt Delores and Uncle Don got me a subscription to National Geographic For Kids for my birthday. It was a great gift. I learned that there was life way beyond my Wonder Years-suburban existence as I saw pictures of far-away lands like Africa, Asia and a variety of distant jungles scattered around our planet.

One day, a special issue arrived at my door with a free poster folded inside the magazine. Very excited to have my first free poster, I opened it up only to meet Snowflake, the world's "extremely rare" albino gorilla. I couldn't believe how cool this was. I’m not sure why I was so fascinated by a white gorilla. It's not like I spent much time hanging around black gorillas. However, something about Snowflake caught my attention. Maybe it was the fact that he looked like a muppet. “One day”, I said, “I'll go Barcelona and I'll meet Snowflake in person”.

Around 14 years later, I was studying in London for my college semester abroad. I was finally going to journey to Barcelona and meet Snowflake. I wasn't even sure whether Snowflake was still alive, but I couldn't wait to find out firsthand and meet my old childhood friend in person. As the big day arrived, I found myself entering the Barcelona Zoo. "Donde esta Snowflake", I asked the security guard, all excited that I managed to remember two Spanish words from high school. I couldn't understand one word of his answer but I knew how to follow the direction in which his finger was pointing. Within a minute, I had reached my destination. I was standing in front of Snowflake's cage, which was now surrounded by glass. I had an ear-to-ear grin as I shot photo after photo of Snowflake hanging out. Snowflake had some black gorilla friends in the cage to play with, so it was nice to see them entertain each other. I then saw Snowflake do something very disturbing. One of the black gorillas squatted to take a piss. As the piss ran down the slight hill into the drain, Snowflake bent down, face to the ground, and slurped up all of the piss! How could Snowflake, my long-lost childhood friend, be drinking the black gorilla's piss! Now don't get me wrong - the color of the other gorilla is NOT the issue here!

As I captured every second of this with my new camera (see below), I figured I'll let it go. I won't let it bother me. Snowflake will walk over to me and smile and it will be like this never happened. In fact, Snowflake did walk over and smile. Everyone in the crowd oohed and aahed as this Yoda-like creature grinned at us. "This is more like it,” I thought. Then, the events of the day took a turn for the worse. Snowflake had a large bout of diarrhea. My first thought was "that's what happens when you drink the piss of other gorillas, Snowflake." Then I wondered whether they know how to feed gorillas in Spain. Are they as nice to the animals in Spain as they are at the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago? Maybe Snowflake has stomach cancer or anorexia.

As these thoughts swam around in my head, I began to feel my own breakfast from the Barcelona B&B begin to rise towards my throat. Then things really got ugly. Snowflake scooped up all of the diarrhea by hand and threw it at me!! Thank god for the glass surrounding the cage! The diarrhea slowly dripped down the glass in front of my face. Did someone put bad acid in my coffee at the Barcelona B&B? Did Spike and Mike of the Twisted Animation Festival get to run the Barcelona Zoo for the day? Perhaps this was some kind of prank? Could my old friend, the only gorilla who ever graced my bedroom wall, actually be throwing fresh diarrhea at me?

My day was ruined. My dream was crushed. I waited all these years to see Snowflake, but I instead saw a show that rivaled the most obscene material you could find on the internet....or the Amsterdam Red Light District. Now that I know Snowflake has been suffering from skin cancer, I can only assume that it started as stomach cancer and spread to the skin. That had to be stomach cancer. Snowflake otherwise would never have drunk piss in my presence and certainly would never have thrown diarrhea at my face. How Snowflake has even survived the many years since our meeting, I don't know. Was it the Atkins diet? Dr. Phil's advice? Chemotherapy?

One sad thing I DO know: we've lost a lot of quality celebrities lately. Unlike Warren Zevon, Snowflake won't get the chance to record that last album with old friends before passing. Unlike Johnny Cash, he won't get to make that last award-winning music video about old age. But like John Ritter, he'll probably be mourned for dropping dead while on the set of his hit show. After all, Snowflake is one of the biggest stars in Spain. I expect him to keep on keeping on, doing the same piss-drinking, diarrhea-throwing show for fans of all origins up until the very end. Good luck to you Snowflake. The world will miss you, I guess.

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Attempts to Publish "Snowflake" (11/24/03)

My conversation with the Washington Post:

WP: Hello, Washington Post.

Me: Hi, my name is Luber and I'm wondering who I would send a story to about the world famous albino gorilla who just died yesterday.

WP: I see. What zoo are you calling from?

Me: Well he died at the Barcelona zoo.

WP: So you're calling from Barcelona?

Me: No, I'm calling from Chicago.

WP: Is Barcelona the name of your zoo in Chicago, sir?

Me: No, the Barcelona zoo is in Spain. The zoo has already reported the story - it's in papers all over the world. I'm now looking to see where I can submit my funny story about my adventures with the gorilla.

WP: Oh, I see. Let me think for you....Well it sounds like he's a celebrity. Is he a celebrity?

Me: Um, well....yes. Yes, he's a celebrity.

WP: Well then I'm sending you to the Style section. Please hold.

ring....ring....

Very Effeminate Man in Style: Hello, Style!

Me: Um yes, I'm calling about the world famous albino gorilla who just died.

Very Affected Man in Style: Hmmmmmm..........

Needless to say, "Snowflake" did not find a home beyond The Luber Blog.

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The Dead in L.A. (9/20/03)

Well, I just got home from seeing The Dead. Here's my ramblings before I crash. Amazing seats...like 15th row, outdoors at Irvine Meadows Amphitheater (a/k/a Verizon Wireless whatever). Bill Walton was dancing away in his tie-dye a few rows behind us. I can't find a setlist on line and with Jerry dead, I don't bother writing one down. But I'll try to tell you what I can. It was of course great fun to see the guys...and Joan Osbourne is an amazing addition. But this didn't come close to the New Years show I saw 9 months ago. They had been apart for a few weeks this time and not nearly as tight as NYE. At the same time, it was interesting b/c this show hit the highest highs they could possibly hit AND the lowest lows they could possibly hit. I had never seen both of those achievements in the SAME show before. Over half of the show found most of the audience sitting down, only half-paying attnetion. But when the high points were reached, the whole place came alive, feeling like a real Grateful Dead show. You know, that look where you turn around and there's lights shining, heads bobbing and smiles glistening all the way up the hill to the very top. Maybe 25% of the show accomplished this...and it felt damn good when it happened.

I'll start with the lowest lows. It was very clear that the leader is dead - and all the egos of the more human band members are now allowed to run rampant. I believe I made this point very clear in 2000 after the horrendous Other Ones shows...and obviously the right people weren't listening: MICKEY HART SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO "SING" 2 SONGS IN THE SAME SHOW. (He shouldn't be allowed to sing ONE, but that's another story). That's problem number one. Problem number two: Bob Weir should NOT be allowed to sing more than ONE lame/cheesy song per night, especially when Jerry isn't there to balance this out with greatness. Problem number three: Joan is an A++ singer in a band that is lacking singing talent. LET HER SING. Why should Bob's vocals drag down a good Jerry song, leaving Joan to do nothing more than shake her ass...when she can nail that song and blow the crowd away?? Most of the time when Joan was allowed to sing, Bob had to make it a duet! Shut up and let her sing!

Anyway, Set 1 was clearly run by Phil and Set 2 was clearly run by Bob. You can guess which one was more interesting. Thank god for liver transplants and Phil Lesh's survival. The show opened strong with Help > Slipknot, which was exactly what I spent the week hoping they'd open with. My memory isn't working now as to what else they played...but it was overall fun, with some great jams. There wsa a cool Strawberry Fields. Ramble On Rose was fantastic, even with Bob singing. One of those special moments. He and the band actually nailed it. Crowd was very psyched. Worth getting on CD. Lowpoint: Mickey singing. As a matter of fact, each set featured a Mickey song. This gave me a chance to both piss AND eat dinner. I believe there must be some aging drummer syndrome that warps the brains of successful drummers. I'll call this Phil Collins Disease. One minute you're a cool, amazing drummer...and the next minute you're a game show host singing "Sussudio". Mickey "sings" with all this Vegas schtick...like he's David Copperfield with a band or something. Save it for the Bay Area Retirement Community in 2020, Mickey.

The second set opened with an excellent acoustic Friend of the Devil, followed by 2, yes 2, god-awful Bob songs. If I wanted to see Ratdog, I'd go to some ever-shrinking theater to see them. Instead, I had to cough up TWICE the amount of money a Grateful Dead show would cost...and to me, that's a binding contract that should muzzle Bob Weir from such drivel. To make matters worse, the 2 Bob songs were followed by more Mickey "singing"! Just when I was about to borrow a flashlight from security to look anywhere and everywhere for Jerry, we were saved. The order can be wrong here since my memory sucks, but there was a great Other One that ignited the crowd, an excellent Drums with 3 drummers thanks to John Molo, and an out-of-control China Doll featuring Joan. China Doll, in my opinion, stole the show. It was my only shit-eating grin of the night...chills, the whole deal...as if the Fat Man were there. Damn she could sing. And the band nailed this - it was like the most powerful, perfect orchestra was backing her up...ONLY THIS group of musicians could create THIS sound...and this one moment alone made the night for me - perfect drums, keyboards, harmonies, bass...reassuring me that Mickey and Ratdog hadn't swallowed the Grateful Dead...and that that IT factor isn't some exaggerated memory from my younger years of GD shows...and that more magic moments may lie ahead. After China Doll, I was waiting for someone to walk onstage and present Joan with a Grammy Award. Definitely need a recording of that song...and need to see more moments like this...if they'll set their egos aside and let an "outsider" sing a little more. Throwing Stones kept the crowd in Grateful Dead show mode...and completing Slipknot > Franklin's Tower was a fun surprise that completely ignited the crowd once again. Excellent. An acapella We Bid You Goodnight was a great way to end the show. The show started and ended very strong. High highs were definitely reached. The middle sucked...and hit lows that made me embarassed to even be there. Is it worth it to sit through the schlock to reach those high moments? I wish they'd figure out a way to avoid those low moments, but yes - it's absolutely worth it...music that interesting and amazing is too special...and too rare.

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