Snowflake (9/24/03)

By now you've probably heard the sad news that Snowflake, the world's "extremely rare" albino gorilla, is dying of skin cancer at the Barcelona Zoo in Spain. Snowflake and I have a relationship that dates way back. In the early-mid-70s, when I was a little kid, my Aunt Delores and Uncle Don got me a subscription to National Geographic For Kids for my birthday. It was a great gift. I learned that there was life way beyond my Wonder Years-suburban existence as I saw pictures of far-away lands like Africa, Asia and a variety of distant jungles scattered around our planet.

One day, a special issue arrived at my door with a free poster folded inside the magazine. Very excited to have my first free poster, I opened it up only to meet Snowflake, the world's "extremely rare" albino gorilla. I couldn't believe how cool this was. I’m not sure why I was so fascinated by a white gorilla. It's not like I spent much time hanging around black gorillas. However, something about Snowflake caught my attention. Maybe it was the fact that he looked like a muppet. “One day”, I said, “I'll go Barcelona and I'll meet Snowflake in person”.

Around 14 years later, I was studying in London for my college semester abroad. I was finally going to journey to Barcelona and meet Snowflake. I wasn't even sure whether Snowflake was still alive, but I couldn't wait to find out firsthand and meet my old childhood friend in person. As the big day arrived, I found myself entering the Barcelona Zoo. "Donde esta Snowflake", I asked the security guard, all excited that I managed to remember two Spanish words from high school. I couldn't understand one word of his answer but I knew how to follow the direction in which his finger was pointing. Within a minute, I had reached my destination. I was standing in front of Snowflake's cage, which was now surrounded by glass. I had an ear-to-ear grin as I shot photo after photo of Snowflake hanging out. Snowflake had some black gorilla friends in the cage to play with, so it was nice to see them entertain each other. I then saw Snowflake do something very disturbing. One of the black gorillas squatted to take a piss. As the piss ran down the slight hill into the drain, Snowflake bent down, face to the ground, and slurped up all of the piss! How could Snowflake, my long-lost childhood friend, be drinking the black gorilla's piss! Now don't get me wrong - the color of the other gorilla is NOT the issue here!

As I captured every second of this with my new camera (see below), I figured I'll let it go. I won't let it bother me. Snowflake will walk over to me and smile and it will be like this never happened. In fact, Snowflake did walk over and smile. Everyone in the crowd oohed and aahed as this Yoda-like creature grinned at us. "This is more like it,” I thought. Then, the events of the day took a turn for the worse. Snowflake had a large bout of diarrhea. My first thought was "that's what happens when you drink the piss of other gorillas, Snowflake." Then I wondered whether they know how to feed gorillas in Spain. Are they as nice to the animals in Spain as they are at the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago? Maybe Snowflake has stomach cancer or anorexia.

As these thoughts swam around in my head, I began to feel my own breakfast from the Barcelona B&B begin to rise towards my throat. Then things really got ugly. Snowflake scooped up all of the diarrhea by hand and threw it at me!! Thank god for the glass surrounding the cage! The diarrhea slowly dripped down the glass in front of my face. Did someone put bad acid in my coffee at the Barcelona B&B? Did Spike and Mike of the Twisted Animation Festival get to run the Barcelona Zoo for the day? Perhaps this was some kind of prank? Could my old friend, the only gorilla who ever graced my bedroom wall, actually be throwing fresh diarrhea at me?

My day was ruined. My dream was crushed. I waited all these years to see Snowflake, but I instead saw a show that rivaled the most obscene material you could find on the internet....or the Amsterdam Red Light District. Now that I know Snowflake has been suffering from skin cancer, I can only assume that it started as stomach cancer and spread to the skin. That had to be stomach cancer. Snowflake otherwise would never have drunk piss in my presence and certainly would never have thrown diarrhea at my face. How Snowflake has even survived the many years since our meeting, I don't know. Was it the Atkins diet? Dr. Phil's advice? Chemotherapy?

One sad thing I DO know: we've lost a lot of quality celebrities lately. Unlike Warren Zevon, Snowflake won't get the chance to record that last album with old friends before passing. Unlike Johnny Cash, he won't get to make that last award-winning music video about old age. But like John Ritter, he'll probably be mourned for dropping dead while on the set of his hit show. After all, Snowflake is one of the biggest stars in Spain. I expect him to keep on keeping on, doing the same piss-drinking, diarrhea-throwing show for fans of all origins up until the very end. Good luck to you Snowflake. The world will miss you, I guess.